On We Go!

“Go back?” he thought. “No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!” - Bilbo Baggins, The Hobbit, J.R.R.Tolkien

It’s just before December 2023, and a few things were happening. I was nearly 4 months sober and getting the hang of it, and I was 98% certain I was going to Australia to see my best friend get married in March. There was a decision to make, would I go with a few weeks holiday from work and try to ignore any emails or work calls whilst I was there? Or would I take this opportunity to go do something I’ve always wanted to do - travel.

I had once gotten close to leaving my job before for an adventure back in 2016. I’d left my job as a “chef” at Bath Spa SU after 5 years and would travel and work as a festival chef, but mainly travel. - The travelling I did was with the festival company, and it was an incredible job that I enjoyed all summer alongside of hoping behind the bar at my favorite place, Moles. So 2016 was an incredible year, but also the start of my obsession for “all work all play” (otherwise known as “burning the candle out at both ends”)

Then there was the year 2020 when I actually had told all my co-workers and staff that I was leaving and would be buying a motorhome and exploring Europe! However before handing my official notice in this weird thing happened in March 2020 instead. I was lucky enough to be put on furlough, and scared shitless of having a dream of traveling again.

Anyway, fast forward back to the end of November 2023, I made a decision. This sober thing had really helped me realize a few things… one, to put myself first and enjoy life, and two, I probably shouldn’t be working around alcohol anymore.

So I had made my decision and was ready to hand my notice in, but before I did, something pretty big happened… Moles closed.

The owner came in on my 4th month anniversary of being sober (which was nearly as far as I got) and told us that effectively immediately with tears in his eyes, that Moles was no more.

I won’t go into detail about the heartbreaking day we all had, and the heartbreaking weeks and months afterword, except that they were heartbreaking. I felt awful for giving up on Moles at that time, except I know I didn’t. I worked my body, mind and soul into that place, we all did. I was so excited to find the next me to take on the Venue Manager crown and help the business thrive with the love it deserved. Most managers lasted 2 years and I gave it 6 years plus 2 as assistant manager after just helping out behind the bar and in the cloakroom from 2016 onwards. Not to mention the 5 years before that as a very devoted customer. I know I did the best I could, but it still stung.

It was a horrible day, and an even worse month. December nearly destroyed me with all these horrible feels that I dealt with raw. I felt such a loss of identify, I had felt defined for two things, alcohol, and Moles. Neither being particularly healthy but both, especially Moles, had been everything to me. The good, bad and the ugly. But slowly, with the help of my family (kin and Moles), I got better, and I moved on.

Of course, what did help me move along was something I am very lucky and grateful for - redundancy. Though money is an ugly thing to talk about, and I would rather have seen Moles keep going without me now, I was very happy to have what would turn into my Vandalf fund. I still feel uncomfortable talking about it though- so I won’t!

A few weeks later I was offered a manager shift on New Years Eve at a horrible rave night that paid really well, so I saw in 2024 with a thumping headache and enough money to buy a one way ticket to Australia, which would then lead to New Zealand on my 1 year working holiday visa, with my trustee van - Vandalf, (the white!)

I don’t thank money for being where I am now, though it obviously helped, but I put it mainly down to my friends, family, and me. I know I was a bloody hard worker, to the point my body stress had scared me for life. And if you believe it timings and the stars aligning (which I’m totally starting to) - something was on my side, it was my time.